The winter before last was a very cold winter in Crete. The temperature in my house was on average 8 degrees. Outside it was warmer than inside.
The moist crept into the walls and every day some paint was raining down.
I was working days and spending most evenings alone, living in my bed pretty much, watching video’s about stuff that interested me.
At that time I was feeling crap 80 % of the time for a couple of months.
My take: life was not reflecting what I intended it to be - and hence it wasn’t.
I was blaming myself; you can imagine how helpful that was!
Going to anybody for help was not the answer. I tried a couple of times, but I always felt even more disconnected from myself and life afterwards.
I have been receiving all kind of different kind of sessions for many years, and although at times I had a very nice experience, it never really addressed anything, in hindsight.
I was figuring stuff out anew. And embracing that period as beneficial to me, even though I couldn’t see how yet…
Back then I noticed that every time I didn’t feel good, I longed for someone to witness me, soothe me, in order to come back into my ‘normal’ self. I perceived an absence of love, even though I was aware that the ‘bigger part of me’ is holding that frequency of love always.
When I did reach out and shared myself, momentarily there was some solace, but afterwards feelings of disconnectedness from myself would intensify. It could knock the wind out of me. I used to freak out when I didn’t feel good. Not trusting myself with myself, not trusting life.
The beautiful Cretan nature was perhaps the only consistent thing that could delight me.
I noticed that when I didn’t reach out, at some point, over some time, I would feel much better because something in myself had come to clarity, all by itself, without me doing something about it.
I kept observing the dynamics.
I recognized the self denial in an expectation that another person has more to offer, than what I can offer to myself in a given moment.
Also I started to discern certain flaws in the kind of thinking that I had adopted from psychology, therapy or quasi healing methods.
For example the theory that every problem has a root in an experience from the past. Finding such a story in myself, made me feel sad, and in a way like a victim of my own pattern. Giving credit to a problem that needs to be fixed, a pattern to be healed: all this I started to perceive as a hidden condemnation against life itself.
When therapy offers the promise to improvement, potential or bliss, it still secretly comes from the viewpoint that it isn’t already there. Otherwise therapy would not be needed!
Finally not only mentally I got the concept of what it means to be creating your own reality, but also experientially.
Insights started dawning.
I became a radical Self-Responsibilitist.
In the sense that I recognised the responsibility to give shape to ‘every day in paradise’.
I became aware of 2 principles that were underlaying my manifestations and feelings: attention and momentum.
I realised that the correct understanding of this, was more helpful than anything.
1. Attention: what do I give my attention to? What is the felt quality of the content of my attention? What do I believe about life in that attention? And of course practically, am I giving my attention to the things I care about?
2. Momentum: the duration of my attention. In other words: the more attention I give to something, the more it intensifies.
Whatever I give my attention to, will grow, will show.
Also, whatever my perspective is, will be what I perceive. (Powerful one!)
The longer I give attention to a perspective, thought, feeling, etc... the more momentum it gains.
Since childhood lot of my attention (and thus, momentum) had been going toward certain specific things, or realities that I considered true. Conditioning about how life should or could look like, the affect of money to wellbeing, other people’s realities, etc. I had certain lack beliefs (thing I was missing, emotionally), that isolated myself from the things I desired.Those realities seemed so vivid! Certain feelings seemed so definite!
But suddenly I perceived it more as some self-chosen programming, rooted in the perspectives; the ways I looked at my life. Also I saw the 'energetic programs' that I projected into the future, being a salvation for these lack beliefs. All had a different level of momentum/intensity. Also I could observe these dynamics in others, resulting in the ways they feel and even look to me. (Others - seemingly ‘outside’ myself.)
I resonate with the perspective that everything is just a story that you we tell yourselves. (Shit, even this what I am telling right now!
Oh words - I despise you!
Oh communication - I love you!!!! )
Everything is just a story, except for beingness: that extremely diversified ‘network’ of communication between the inner and ‘outer’ self (that last one perceived as the outside world) which creates experience, ever changingly so.
What I tell myself in the form of perspectives, becomes part of my beingness. It can take over from the subtleness of what life can offer on deeper levels of experience. Usually that doesn’t feel very nice; missing out on listening with the fullness of the senses, would be equal to missing out on life.
So, I got excited to find out how much ‘control’ I could have over what I choose to perceive.
I tried to lead my focus away from old habits that had gained a lot of momentum, such as going towards shitty feelings and shitty perspectives, and overanalysing.
In the beginning some feelings seemed stronger than me, they would take over, especially in my fear to feel again the same (shitty) way, the momentum would stagger. I just didn’t commit enough in hindsight, I didn’t believe I could turn it.
I realised I needed to re-learn, and give myself some rope. To just make the decision and commit, not to go where my old momentum would take me, but to go somewhere new. Somewhere simple. Somwhere neutral.
A part of me seemed to like my ‘old drama’, because it was better than feeling ‘nothing’.
It took time, but slowly I manoeuvred myself towards holding steady in a state I preferred.
I kept on balancing and beholding my inner world as well as perceived outside world, including the ‘known’ reality that so far has been part human reality. (I was not going completely conceptually insane!)
I aimed on landing in the more delicious refined versions of experience. Well aware that I didn’t have full control. I just had an intuition about what life can feel like to live from that space that feels like “being moved”, rather than moving from idea’s about a dangling carrot in the future.
That natural flow, inspired from within, every moment anew.
Always I could lead ‘outside’ experiences and manifestations back to where it had started somewhere inside of my own perspective.
This I played with:
I picked anything I liked to focus on, and then kept my attention there for it to start ‘spinning’. The feeling of satisfaction for example. Or tuning into a certain reality that I like.
It worked. I could start new momentum on things that I preferred over things that I didn’t prefer from the perceived past (which really is just in the now).
(Unfortunately for many people (myself included) it is the very thing that they don’t want, that manifests. Because they focus on the thing that they desire from the perspective that they are apart from it, that they need to ‘get there’ in order to feel better.
I know I say nothing new here. It is just a good example, in order to observe the energy dynamics that create this. It is fun to wink at the laws of creation taking their course.)
The more I could observe the dynamic, the more I felt myself in the space beyond it, and subsequently more connected to life.
With pure observation, my understanding came full circle, and any issue would dissolve into a non issue.
With this new awareness, all the concepts that therapy and other “wordy” remedies could offer, went in the rubbish bin for good.
They only thing that I still consider valuable about certain therapeutic settings is this: the increase of receptivity. You suddenly allow yourself to open up.
This receptivity in itself is the reason to feel better, not the therapy per se.
Why reserve that receptive state of being for that ‘setting’ only?
This felt just hypocrite to me, a unnecessary safety net with the reversed outcome: a compartimentilization of the self.
Why believing in any story of a broken past or a auspicious future? I noticed how much of my energy got drained there in my life…
The past and the future are both innocent, the flaw (and pain) are hidden in the perspective. Pain just indicating the ‘off-ness’ of it. Pain is such a loving thing!
If someone is telling a painful story, and use it to not feel good in the moment, is not the content of the story that makes you not feel good, it more so is believe in something that is not real, and missing out on what is real in that very moment: life, perfectly enfolding.
Why not focus on mastering your attention, and then just be where you wanna be? Now, and now, and now.
When I started to care enough about feeling good, the discipline to not stick around shitty vibrations came naturally.
Also what I previously considered other peoples shitty vibrations, I don’t perceive as such anymore. I recognise it now as my own judgemental perception, and a lack of focus and receptivity in myself. Shifting my focus into myself, it improved my ability to relate to other people with completely different interests or takes on life.
I see no point in coaching other people anymore.
Because: who the heck am I to know better then you?
In the need to empower or uplift another through something (like therapy), in fact disempowerment is confirmed.
I would never want to induce dependencies nor admiration.
Why would I make myself exclusive by asking money if someone feels drawn to meet me? If that attraction is mutual, great, If not, great too.
The ability to feel what is ‘off’ or ‘needed’, doesn’t always mean I have to jump in to help.
I looked at ‘what is helpful’ with new eyes.
I just want to be a friend to my friends. If feedback wants to happen, cool.
I would only want to share with others only from an equal, inspired place.
I wanna play with them in paradise, celebrating the gifts of life.
One of the richest things I share with my friends is feedback that is absolutely freakin’ kick ass priceless. But it is inspired from shared presence, finicking observation, great ability to match words with energy language, and a true longing to spend timeless moments together. It is always constructive and the nourishment spirals way beyond that moment.
If you would ask me if life is better now than back then that winter 2 years ago? If managing my attention had a good effect?
The last thing for sure! I feel I have shifted more since that time, then in the 32 years before.
My perspectives on life are drastically re-wired, they match more my core.
I feel more true to my own clarity, without a need for anyone to understand me.
I am confident to keep myself on the track of enjoying life.
I can genuinely feel excited now about not feeling good. I welcome it with curiosity. Because from experience I know that the relief is gonna present itself at some point. Usually life proved some lack belief wrong. It launches me towards what is true.
I would not dare claiming I am story-free; I can see the ones running that to a great extend define my life.
But I don’t take even that personal anymore.
I just am with the enfolding, holding it all in my care.
What I share here, and what works for me, might not work for everyone, no doubt. It is only experience that brings insight, not the words.
I am looking with eagerness how life is gonna prove me wrong in what I have come to understand now, and how my experiences will continue to enfold with perfect chaos.
Outside it is slowly turning to winter here again, inside me it feels like early summer.